Infertility

Miscarriage: How We Coped with Loss

July 24, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

Our First Miscarriage

Did you realize that miscarriage occurs in 1 in 5 pregnancies? I didn’t, therefore it was the last thing that crossed my mind when I finally had that first glorious positive pregnancy test (EVER!) at 39 years old. I was ecstatic and could barely contain my enthusiasm. It was so much fun dreaming up a creative way to tell my husband. We had already started the adoption process after quitting infertility treatments, so once he knew, we told our team that we wanted to hold off with the adoption.

Confirming Our News

My period was barely late when we found out. I called my OB/GYN’s office right away. They wanted to have us wait until something like 12 weeks to come in and they didn’t want to send me for a blood test. Needing confirmation, I called my Reproductive Endocrinologist(RE). She understood my excitement mixed with anxiety. We were scheduled to come in at the 6 week point for an ultrasound. I was all over the map emotionally between that call and our appointment, but mostly excited.

When the day arrived, I had a bad feeling. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but as I lay there on the ultrasound table with the tech eerily quiet, I knew that we were in for bad news. The doctor came into the room and took a look herself. It was confirmed, the fetal pole (as they are called at that early point in gestation) was small and there was no heartbeat. We were told to go home and wait to miscarry.

Missed Miscarriage

Since the RE’s office was an hour from our home, I notified my OB/GYN’s office. I got a call back from my doctor. At that moment I was a hysterical mess. He reassured me that it could have just been too early to detect a heartbeat. The office scheduled a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks. That two weeks felt like the longest two weeks of my life!

The day of the ultrasound, I wasn’t really having pregnancy symptoms. They had also done another blood test and my HCG levels (indicating pregnancy) were not increasing as they should. I pretty much knew what was coming. Did that make it any easier? No way! Not only was there no heartbeat, but they could barely even find evidence of my having been pregnant. My body wasn’t miscarrying naturally as it should. This is called a missed miscarriage. It seems it may have been related to my age or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS). Either way, due to some other medical issues, I was advised to have a D & C.

The Aftermath

Mercifully, I hadn’t eaten that morning, so before I knew it, I was being whisked off to surgery. I had been crying uncontrollably the entire time and everything was beginning to blur.

I’m not really a medication person. Anesthesia almost always makes me vomit so I usually avoid drugs. I’ve never been so thankful for the sedation and pain meds, which in addition to helping the pain and cramping afterward, dulled the emotional pain that I was feeling.

Some articles say that men cope differently with miscarriage and loss. This was a first for both of us and I can honestly say that my husband was almost as emotional as I was. We were deep in our grief while our biological clocks were still ticking away. It really helped to have one another as we walked through our grief.

Talking About It

Next came the difficult task of sharing the news with those who knew about the pregnancy. And then it started. The stories of everyone else’s miscarriages were shared with us. Who knew? Why don’t we all talk about this more openly? It helped to know that we weren’t alone.

Though not a counselor, I have a degree in Spiritual Psychology. This was helpful both in processing my own feelings as well as having a community of support to lean into. A wise counselor suggested that we do something to commemorate this lost soul. We had this tree in our front yard that never really grew properly so we decided to replace it with a new tree to honor the memory of this precious life.

The day that the tree was delivered and planted will be forever etched in my mind. It was a gray misty day with rain on the way. It completely matched my mood. I stood on the sidewalk and sobbed as the old tree was removed and the hole was dug deeper, just like the one in my heart. When the new tree was placed, I felt a sense of calm and completion come over me. We would always have this lovely tree to remind us of the baby. We named her/him Taylor and thus the tree became our “Taylor Tree”.

Mourning the Loss

Grief is like a wave. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels more like a Tsunami drowning the mourners with it’s strength and force. Many people are uncomfortable around those who are grieving. The platitudes come out. “It’s for the best. There must have been something wrong.” “Don’t worry. You’ll get pregnant again.” There seems to be a comparison that happens. It’s an early miscarriage, not such a big deal, right?

WRONG. Hopes and dreams are there from the moment that a couple discovers that they are pregnant. It is the loss of a life not yet lived. For the woman, it is a reminder of the possibility that she may never experience the joy of carrying her child. Some feel like failures as women or that our bodies have let us down when we can’t perform this biological function. I felt it all, again. I say again because there is a grief process that occurred when I stopped fertility treatments and moved on to adoption in the first place.

Moving On

Both that first grief experience and our ticking clocks helped us to process this grief more gracefully and efficiently. Within a month, we’d re-started our adoption process and were ready to move on. That said, everyone grieves in their own time. Please, allow yourself the dignity of your own process. I went on to have another miscarriage later, and I will tell you that my reaction was different.

To summarize, here are some things that we did to cope with our grief:

1. We cried. A lot. Be with your emotions. It is OK and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Grief has stages and they don’t always come in order. You will go through them in your own time.

2. We shared our news with close family and friends. While we had one another for support, it was so helpful to have the love of others. You may get some of the platitudes mentioned above. Remember, the person’s intentions are good. If that disturbs you, lean into a different friend or family member.

3. Seek professional counseling. This is a challenging time and support is important.

4. Consider naming the child if you haven’t. You were already imagining this child, give them an identity. It helps in memorializing.

5. Memorialize the loss somehow. Do whatever feels right for you from planting a tree, a small ceremony, a paver stone, and the list could go on and on. This is as individual as the grief process itself so make it special to you.

And lastly, you will move on when you are ready. Allow yourself the time and space that you need. Surround yourself with loving support and consider some of the suggestions listed here.

There are also plenty of books and websites for support. Here are a couple of websites that I like:

http://www.aplacetoremember.com
https://www.mend.org

I hope that you’ve found this post helpful and I’d love to have you come join our community here.

Adoption vs. Infertility Treatments: 4 Things to Consider

July 8, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

How do we decide between infertility treatment and adoption?

There are many alternative ways to grow a family. Some couples consider adoption as a first line choice. However, the majority undergo infertility treatment. If these treatments are unsuccessful, couples are then faced with the decision to pursue donors, gestational carriers, etc. Every situation is unique and there is no right or wrong answer here. It is just like parenting. We all have to make the best choice for our family. We walked this path, and based on our experience, here are some things take into consideration:

1. Are you emotionally prepared?

Infertility treatments are known for being an emotional roller coaster ride. There are high doses of hormones. The woman’s body may or may not respond appropriately so the planned cycle can change at any time. There may be miscarriages along the way or even infant loss. There are just so many variables. I found the entire process simply exhausting on all levels.

On the surface, adoption might seem easier. The hormones are subtracted from the equation. For me, this did not simplify things. First, I needed to let go of any attachment to being pregnant. Then, we both had to accept that we would not be genetically linked to our child. This may be easier said than done. After that we had to navigate the complicated waters of the process itself with the possibility of a failed adoption. This was no easy task. The roller coaster of adoption often parallels that of infertility and pregnancy in many ways. And lastly, if it is an open adoption, there is the relationship with the birth parent(s) to consider. I will write more about these last two statements in another post.

2. Are you financially prepared?

Infertility treatments can be very costly with no guarantee of success. However, some couples have insurance coverage for at least a portion of the cost. We did not, so we moved on to adoption.

Adoption has a huge range of cost. It varies depending on the type of adoption. With foster-to-adopt, there may be state aide. While with domestic/international newborn adoption, the cost usually starts around $25,000 and increases from there. This does not take into account money lost if there is a failed adoption. If an adoptive parent is fortunate enough to work for a company that subsidizes these expenses, they are truly blessed. Most couples that I know have used grants, loans, GoFundMe pages, fundraisers, and second mortgages to finance their adoptions.

3. Which choice is more ethical?

OK, this may sound like a strange thing to take into consideration. It’s not. Certain religions have real difficulty with what happens to the remaining frozen embryos after IVF. This can be a real deal breaker for some.

On the flip side, there are also those who believe that adoption is unnatural and the permanent emotional scars/wounds to the child make it an unethical choice.

4. How does your family feel?

Again, it would seem that this is a strange thing to consider when trying to grow one’s own family. Infertility treatment is likely acceptable to most families until possibly IVF or a donor/gestational carrier is brought into the picture.

Adoption, especially open adoption, can be more challenging for friends & family members both to accept as well as understand. We found that certain people still believed in the “secret” of adoption. Meaning that back in the day, adoptions were usually kept secret from the adoptee and there was likely no further contact with the birth parent(s). Now we know that research shows that open adoption is the best for the child. This can be difficult for others to support as the relationships involved can be complicated and difficult for them to understand.

These are a few of the issues that we considered while weighing our options for growing our family. If you’d like to learn more, come on over and join the Mommy Later community!

Our Journey: Pregnant at 40 with PCOS

July 8, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

Getting pregnant seems so easy, right? Many couples try hard to avoid it and still end up with unplanned pregnancies. And then, there are those of us who struggle with infertility. There are so many infertility diagnoses out there, including the dreaded “unexplained infertility”(the catch-all diagnosis). We could be here forever discussing them all. I will stick with what I know (and have), PCOS (a.k.a. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and a uterine septum.

PCOS Infertility

This topic will be covered more in-depth in future posts, so for the purposes of this post, I will keep it simple. Women with polycystic ovaries have cysts covering their ovaries. Some months they may ovulate, and others not. This endocrine disorder causes a host of various metabolic & health issues. PCOS infertility is just one of them. Many women with this disease can actually be more fertile when they are older and find themselves pregnant (ahem, case in point). There is no cure for PCOS, however it is managed with diet, exercise, and for some, either herbal supplements or medications.

Uterine Septum

Basically, when a woman’s uterus forms during her own fetal development, it starts as two tubes that fuse. For some of us, there is a piece of tissue in the middle of the uterus that never dissolves as it should. If you looked at my uterus from the outside, it would look normal. On the inside, there was a piece of tissue hanging down. This tissue does not have the rich blood lining that the rest of the uterus has and that an embryo requires for implantation and survival. This puts women with septums at higher risk for early miscarriages. Fortunately, there is a surgical procedure to remove this extra piece of tissue. Hooray for one easy fix!

Infertility Treatments

I’d been aware of these diagnoses since my late 20s while in my first marriage, and I’d had one surgery for the septum. Fast forward almost 10 years. I was 37 and my husband and I were actively trying to conceive. I started with my regular OB/GYN who told me that he’d seen many patients with PCOS conceive easily with just Clomid. After a few unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, I began seeking an infertility specialist. I wasn’t getting pregnant, nor was I getting any younger. Well, good thing that I did! Lo and behold, there was some residual uterine septum, so my new doctor started by surgically removing it. At the time I was also doing acupuncture and eating gluten free. Then began our series of IUIs…

Adoption

Again, I will go with the short version for now, but after 3 failed IUIs, we made the decision to move on to adoption. In order to do that, we had to stop all fertility treatments and my doctor had to sign papers affirming that we had done so. This was a requirement of the adoption home study. I did however continue acupuncture for hormone balancing as well as eating gluten free. Two weeks after our first home study visit, SURPRISE! For the first time ever, I was pregnant. We were over the moon. We called our adoption team with our decision to hold on the adoption. But alas, it was not to be. The baby had no heartbeat. We were devastated and heartbroken, but our clocks were ticking. I was now 39 and my husband was 48 so we took a month off then resumed the adoption process.

Finally Pregnant!

Two weeks after completing the 4th and final home study visit, my cycle was late again. I had another positive pregnancy test. Needless to say, we were a little more careful in allowing ourselves to feel any kind of excitement this time. Thankfully, that baby is now a happy, healthy 5 year-old boy!

So what was the secret to our polycystic ovaries pregnancy? More to come on that in my upcoming series with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and my acupuncturist!

Like what you’ve read and want more? Come on over and join the Community