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Miscarriage: How We Coped with Loss

July 24, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

Our First Miscarriage

Did you realize that miscarriage occurs in 1 in 5 pregnancies? I didn’t, therefore it was the last thing that crossed my mind when I finally had that first glorious positive pregnancy test (EVER!) at 39 years old. I was ecstatic and could barely contain my enthusiasm. It was so much fun dreaming up a creative way to tell my husband. We had already started the adoption process after quitting infertility treatments, so once he knew, we told our team that we wanted to hold off with the adoption.

Confirming Our News

My period was barely late when we found out. I called my OB/GYN’s office right away. They wanted to have us wait until something like 12 weeks to come in and they didn’t want to send me for a blood test. Needing confirmation, I called my Reproductive Endocrinologist(RE). She understood my excitement mixed with anxiety. We were scheduled to come in at the 6 week point for an ultrasound. I was all over the map emotionally between that call and our appointment, but mostly excited.

When the day arrived, I had a bad feeling. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but as I lay there on the ultrasound table with the tech eerily quiet, I knew that we were in for bad news. The doctor came into the room and took a look herself. It was confirmed, the fetal pole (as they are called at that early point in gestation) was small and there was no heartbeat. We were told to go home and wait to miscarry.

Missed Miscarriage

Since the RE’s office was an hour from our home, I notified my OB/GYN’s office. I got a call back from my doctor. At that moment I was a hysterical mess. He reassured me that it could have just been too early to detect a heartbeat. The office scheduled a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks. That two weeks felt like the longest two weeks of my life!

The day of the ultrasound, I wasn’t really having pregnancy symptoms. They had also done another blood test and my HCG levels (indicating pregnancy) were not increasing as they should. I pretty much knew what was coming. Did that make it any easier? No way! Not only was there no heartbeat, but they could barely even find evidence of my having been pregnant. My body wasn’t miscarrying naturally as it should. This is called a missed miscarriage. It seems it may have been related to my age or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS). Either way, due to some other medical issues, I was advised to have a D & C.

The Aftermath

Mercifully, I hadn’t eaten that morning, so before I knew it, I was being whisked off to surgery. I had been crying uncontrollably the entire time and everything was beginning to blur.

I’m not really a medication person. Anesthesia almost always makes me vomit so I usually avoid drugs. I’ve never been so thankful for the sedation and pain meds, which in addition to helping the pain and cramping afterward, dulled the emotional pain that I was feeling.

Some articles say that men cope differently with miscarriage and loss. This was a first for both of us and I can honestly say that my husband was almost as emotional as I was. We were deep in our grief while our biological clocks were still ticking away. It really helped to have one another as we walked through our grief.

Talking About It

Next came the difficult task of sharing the news with those who knew about the pregnancy. And then it started. The stories of everyone else’s miscarriages were shared with us. Who knew? Why don’t we all talk about this more openly? It helped to know that we weren’t alone.

Though not a counselor, I have a degree in Spiritual Psychology. This was helpful both in processing my own feelings as well as having a community of support to lean into. A wise counselor suggested that we do something to commemorate this lost soul. We had this tree in our front yard that never really grew properly so we decided to replace it with a new tree to honor the memory of this precious life.

The day that the tree was delivered and planted will be forever etched in my mind. It was a gray misty day with rain on the way. It completely matched my mood. I stood on the sidewalk and sobbed as the old tree was removed and the hole was dug deeper, just like the one in my heart. When the new tree was placed, I felt a sense of calm and completion come over me. We would always have this lovely tree to remind us of the baby. We named her/him Taylor and thus the tree became our “Taylor Tree”.

Mourning the Loss

Grief is like a wave. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels more like a Tsunami drowning the mourners with it’s strength and force. Many people are uncomfortable around those who are grieving. The platitudes come out. “It’s for the best. There must have been something wrong.” “Don’t worry. You’ll get pregnant again.” There seems to be a comparison that happens. It’s an early miscarriage, not such a big deal, right?

WRONG. Hopes and dreams are there from the moment that a couple discovers that they are pregnant. It is the loss of a life not yet lived. For the woman, it is a reminder of the possibility that she may never experience the joy of carrying her child. Some feel like failures as women or that our bodies have let us down when we can’t perform this biological function. I felt it all, again. I say again because there is a grief process that occurred when I stopped fertility treatments and moved on to adoption in the first place.

Moving On

Both that first grief experience and our ticking clocks helped us to process this grief more gracefully and efficiently. Within a month, we’d re-started our adoption process and were ready to move on. That said, everyone grieves in their own time. Please, allow yourself the dignity of your own process. I went on to have another miscarriage later, and I will tell you that my reaction was different.

To summarize, here are some things that we did to cope with our grief:

1. We cried. A lot. Be with your emotions. It is OK and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Grief has stages and they don’t always come in order. You will go through them in your own time.

2. We shared our news with close family and friends. While we had one another for support, it was so helpful to have the love of others. You may get some of the platitudes mentioned above. Remember, the person’s intentions are good. If that disturbs you, lean into a different friend or family member.

3. Seek professional counseling. This is a challenging time and support is important.

4. Consider naming the child if you haven’t. You were already imagining this child, give them an identity. It helps in memorializing.

5. Memorialize the loss somehow. Do whatever feels right for you from planting a tree, a small ceremony, a paver stone, and the list could go on and on. This is as individual as the grief process itself so make it special to you.

And lastly, you will move on when you are ready. Allow yourself the time and space that you need. Surround yourself with loving support and consider some of the suggestions listed here.

There are also plenty of books and websites for support. Here are a couple of websites that I like:

http://www.aplacetoremember.com
https://www.mend.org

I hope that you’ve found this post helpful and I’d love to have you come join our community here.

Adoption Process: The Home Study

July 24, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

One of the first steps in the adoption process or foster qualification is a home study. I still remember hearing about it when we began. I didn’t know exactly what to expect and it was a little scary as my imagination ran wild with scenarios in which we didn’t qualify. My initial impression was that a social worker was going to come in, talk to us, look at our home and decide if we were worthy of adopting. Nothing like feeling totally out of control on that one!

Why is the home study a necessary part of the adoption process?

I get it. I mean they need to know that they are placing children in a stable and safe home. Still, it seemed unfair given that parents who get pregnant do not undergo this scrutiny. Having now been through the process, I feel like everyone should experience some version of it with their first.

So let me demystify this by going through a couple of misconceptions:

1. The social worker is judging our fitness as parents.

Well, yes and no. The social worker’s job is to ensure that parents are mentally sound, financially, stable, healthy, and prepared to have a child in their home. They are actually your partner in preparing for this major life event of becoming parents. There may be areas that you will need to address before being approved.

2. If we have serious issues in our family, e.g. relatives with addiction, medical or psychological illnesses, we may be disqualified.

No, not necessarily. Again, as I said above, this is a look at your coping skills. How have you handled these issues within your family? Do you get help when you need it (thereby modeling this life skill for your child)? Do you set appropriate and healthy boundaries? Especially in the case of foster care, this part of the adoption process is critical to ensure that children are not going from one unstable situation to another.

3. We don’t have a lot of money so we might not qualify.

Again, yes and no. The social worker will help you to look at your finances and make a decision as to whether you can realistically afford to bring a child into your home. Again, if you have a plan and demonstrate that, this is what matters.

What is the home study process?

There are a few parts to the home study process. The one that can seem most scary for many are the visits from the social worker. In addition to these interviews, you may also be required to take a certain number of hours of parenting classes or read a certain number of books. The requirements do differ by state. You can find out more about that here.

Our experience

I will share our experience 3 years ago in Colorado. Our home study consisted of 4 visits by a social worker. Prior to the first visit, we were sent a packet with extensive history questions to answer. It included health history, financial documentation, parenting style, relationship questions. With each visit, the social worker discussed different aspects of this paperwork with us. She also did a home inspection looking for safety issues like smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, water temp, storage of medications and chemicals. Just like with every other aspect of the home study, she gave us feedback on what to improve and checked in with us on her next visit. She had conversations with each member of the household individually, and most of the time, together. While professional, she was kind and supportive.

Once we were actually in the process, the fear was gone. It was the anticipation and the unknown which had my imagination running wild and creating the fear. But isn’t that true of most anything in life?

In the end, we really loved our social worker and appreciated the process. It made us more prepared as parents. When you are considering fostering or adopting, know that though the adoption process may feel daunting at times, it is there to support you and the children in the system.

If you’d like to read more or join our community, come on over and introduce yourself!

Home Study Requirements by State:

https://adoptionnetwork.com/homestudy-requirements-by-state

Having a Baby at 40: What’s the difference?

July 24, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

So what’s it like having a baby at 40? Pretty much the same as having a baby at any other age. Well, sort of.

Having a baby at 40 – the potential downside:

1. If you are pregnant, you are Advanced Maternal Age.

You are most definitely considered advanced maternal age, or even a geriatric pregnancy. Ouch! (Nothing like making a new mom-to-be feel like a grandma instead.)

What does this really mean? It means that your doctor is going to watch you closely, especially at the end of your pregnancy. It is important because there are diseases that may have been dormant and can manifest when the body is under the stress of pregnancy. There is also a higher risk of genetic issues with baby, birth defects and birth complications. (I am a case-in-point but we’ll talk about that another time.) There will be lots of ultrasounds and stress tests (like way more than any mom under 35 with a normal pregnancy). Some doctors will also automatically refer to you as “high risk” while others are more comfortable as long as your pregnancy is otherwise going fine.

2. Growing Apart

I’m not talking about your spouse or partner here so much as maybe your friends. Many of our friends had been childless either by choice, default, or infertility. The rest had teenagers or even college age children. By then they were ready to be empty nesters. I am pretty certain that there were those in both camps who thought that we were nuts for starting a family when we did. My experience was that they became more distant or dropped out of our lives altogether after the baby came home. This makes some sense because aren’t relationships really based on shared interests? Now we were going in very different directions.

3. Tired, oh.so.tired…

Let’s face it, energy levels drop as we get older. It’s a natural thing as our bodies age and hormones shift. The sleep deprivation of a normal newborn, let alone a colicky one, is torture. Self-care is pretty much mandatory for older parents to keep up with their new little ones.

4. Retirement, what retirement?

If you are bringing home your first baby either through adoption or pregnancy, chances are you’ve spent some money to get there. In an age where income is not keeping up with inflation, this can be a real issue for future retirement.

Having a baby at 40 – the potential upside:

1. Financial Stability

Likely by now you’ve been working for years. You may have put some money away so you are more prepared for the cost associated with having a family. If this is you, rock on!

2. Emotional Maturity

This is a big one really. I mean our maturity level in our 40s versus our 20s? Hands down, 40s win. We’ve learned a lot at this point in our lives about what really matters and we’ve waited for this moment. Hopefully we are able to savor the time that much more and soak it all in as they grow all too fast.

3. Relationship Stability

If this is a couple becoming first-time parents, chances are the relationship is more stable as the partners are more mature. Typically they are better at handling conflict which means a more peaceful home. This gives the child a more stable environment overall.

4. Gratitude

We all know how important gratitude is in general. It is especially powerful here. Parents who’ve waited until their forties to start a family have likely been through infertility treatment or adoption. They may have experienced miscarriage or neonatal loss. Many of these babies are “rainbow babies”, aptly named for the beauty they bring after a loss, much like the rainbow after a storm. Parents are grateful and a child senses this. The parents may also therefore be more attuned and appreciative of all of the little things. I know that for me personally, this translates into my love of photography. The moments pass so quickly and I just want to capture these precious days while I can.

If you became a first-time parent at 40+, I’d love to hear your experience. Come on over, join the community, and grab a cup of coffee or tea and chat!

Get in the Picture: Taking Mom Pics

July 23, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

So in my previous post about mom pics, I gave you the “why”. Now I am going to share a few tips for looking your best. I will add here that of course some of the best photos ops are spontaneous so go with the flow, but don’t forget about those selfies too. They will cherish ALL pictures of you.

Here are 6 tips to help you look your best in those mom pics:

1. The “Oscar pose”

This one is pretty universal and easy for you to envision. Just look at pretty much every red carpet picture. Angle your body about three-quarters of the way toward the camera. The reason for this is that the frontal view is the least flattering. Make sure that you are standing straight with shoulders back. And if you are feeling sassy/cheeky, go ahead and put that hand on your hip for some mom pic attitude!

2. Be a swan

I still remember the girls night when I heard about this one. I tried it and it felt ridiculously awkward, but seriously, it works. Elongate your neck and push your face forward from your forehead with your chin slightly down. (Are you trying it yet? Feels weird, right?)

3. Sit up or Stand down

If you are sitting for the photo, try to make sure that the camera is above you. The act of looking up at the camera basically achieves the “swan pose” if you will.

When standing, the ideal position is camera below. This is especially important if you are doing a full body shot as this elongates the body.

4. Make up

OK, I get it. We are tired moms and we don’t always wear make up. It’s just that features are often washed out in photos so it does help to have some make up on to enhance them. If you are not typically a make-up person, at least do lips and eyes for more flattering mom pics.

5. Light up!

Soft light from a window or the yummy light at sunset are your friend. These will soften your face and avoid those funny tones. Another thing that helps is a white background if you have one. I once made an accidental discovery about one of my bathrooms while wearing an outfit from a friend. I stopped in the bathroom off our back hall to grab a shot to text her. (Mind you this room has no windows but a solar tube for light.) Much to my surprise, I ended up with some amazing photos when I angled the camera just right. Play around in your house and find the best spots, then encourage your kiddos there and get in the shot.

5. “Honey!”

Forget cheese. If you have kids that were taught this, then you know it gives a rotten smile. Turns out the hard “e” sound at the end of the word makes a much nicer smile. You can also put your tongue against the back of your teeth when you smile as this relaxes the face. Obviously the most natural expressions come from genuine laughter so play, have fun and capture a few giggles with your littles.

6. You got this!

As with anything in life, confidence (or lack thereof) shows. That desire to hide or run away from the camera? “Let it go. Let it go.” (Oops, sorry, too much Elsa around here lately.)

What I am saying is that this tip maybe should have been #1 on the list. Be brave and get out from behind the camera. Set it to take a burst so that you have lots to choose from. And most importantly, HAVE FUN!!!

Thoughts, questions, additional tips to share? Come on over and join us on Facebook!

Mom Photos: 3 Reasons to Get in the Picture

July 19, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

Mom photos are not really high on my list. I love taking pictures of my children. They are cute and change in the blink of an eye. I am generally behind the camera in my happy place/comfort zone.

My kids try, but I am still faster than they are at dodging a camera pointed at me. I mean, if anyone gets it, I do. My body is not what it used to be. I am 20 pounds heavier with wrinkles and gray hairs. Daily showers have become a luxury. My braces came off pretty recently but I’m still stylin’ with a retainer. I spend most of my time in clothing that probably isn’t fit to be seen in public. (Though honestly I do go out frequently in said clothes.) With all of this going on, who want’s to be photographed? Why get in the picture when I am a hot mess?

Here are 3 reasons why we need mom photos:

1. Your kids want to see you in the picture!

My daughter illustrated this beautifully for me one day when we were out to lunch. She’s only 2 and I took a quick shot of her across the table from me as a memento of our girls’ day out. When I showed it to her she was smiling until she saw it. Her words were, “Where’s mommy?” It took me by surprise. I wasn’t looking great that day but I wasn’t looking awful either. After flipping the camera around on my phone, I squeezed in beside her for a selfie. I got a great big smile from that one, so mom photo for the win!

2. No one else notices your flaws.

You may not believe me on this one, but really, they don’t. We are all more critical of ourselves than others. I cannot tell you how many times that I’ve seen a photo of myself and gone, “Ugh. Why do I take such awful pictures?” Only to have someone compliment the same photo and tell me how photogenic I am. They don’t notice those extra pounds, lines, grays or braces at all. Now the real beauty will be when I can do the same. Listen, I am not perfect here, just aware of my flaws both physical and mental!

3. One day photos will be all that your children have left.

Alright, I don’t mean to be morbid here, but it’s true. We live. We die. These are facts. Our children will cherish every photo of us like it is gold when we are gone. I realized one day in looking at photos from my family and childhood, most of the photos of my mom are at the kitchen sink. How perfect is that? I know that I spend half of my time there too so they are certainly real! I don’t notice much about her appearance other than that. She just looks like my mom and I am grateful for every stinking one of those mom photos, especially the last one taken of us together.

Mom photos are still not at the top of my list, but I do try to make an effort to slip out from behind the camera more often these days. I really have no excuse with the technology available to me, e.g. cell phones, digital cameras, tripods and selfie sticks. If you’re still hiding out behind the camera, check out this post for some posing positions. Get in the picture. Your kids will thank you. Come on over and post your mom pic in the Mommy Later community. We’d love to see you there!

Ch-ch-changes: My First Symptoms of Perimenopause

July 18, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

OK, so it’s not like Perimenopause was really something that I was expecting, right? I mean, I had just turned 45 which is young, no? I wasn’t thinking about the dreaded “change” initially, but I had some things going on that I couldn’t ignore.

My Symptoms of Perimenopause

There are more symptoms than I list here, but these are the ones that I’ve experienced.

Moodiness

I was finding myself extremely emotional about everything. Patience with my children was especially lacking. It made life extremely challenging. My moods were all over the place and completely out of control!

Weight Gain and/or Redistribution

Oh and the weight gain, yea, the pounds were suddenly packing on overnight and I hadn’t changed much over the last few years in my eating/exercise habits (or lack thereof). I mean, baby suddenly had back (and not the good kind)!

Heart Rhythm Changes

One of the scariest symptoms of Perimenopause that I’ve experienced were the heart palpitations and occasional racing heartbeat. The nurse in me was totally overthinking it. I thought that I needed an immediate cardiac work up.

Hot Flashes

Though not often, the hot flashes started. They were mild, but they were definitely there.

Menstrual Cycle Changes

I then started having menstrual cycle changes. I actually had two periods about 18 days apart. I also had a LOT of vaginal dryness which is really uncomfortable.

Hair Loss and Redistribution

The hair loss has also been really disturbing. My hair started falling out after I gave birth to my son, but it was suddenly much faster. I’ve been fortunate in that I am not growing more facial hair.

Forgetfulness

And then there is the brain fog/forgetfulness. I pretty much couldn’t remember what my kids had asked to eat like 30 seconds ago. My son started telling me that I had a bad memory and he was only 4 – UGH!

Now mind you, I have PCOS too, so much of this could be attributed to that, but these things were all pretty new for me as I’d never really fit the classic picture of PCOS.

Validating My Symptoms

I was telling a friend about my symptoms and that I was thinking it might be the start of Perimenopause. She said, “Your mom may not be alive, but you have two older sisters. Have you asked them?” Well, DUH. Why didn’t I think of that? When I called my oldest sister, I could almost hear her head bobbing over the phone as she said, “Yes, Mom was around 44/45 and so was I when it started.” She then validated basically every one of my symptoms. If you are suspecting any of this, my first suggestion would be to call your mother or sister and ask what it was like for them. It will likely be similar for you.

Doing My Homework

With some research, I discovered that these are pretty much textbook symptoms of Perimenopause(see resources below). I had no idea as I’d never really thought much about it before. At my GYN appointment shortly after all of this and the doctor’s head nodded wildly as I described everything. She did an ultrasound and I am still ovulating, but does that mean anything? Not really, I guess. Perimenopause is a phase that women go through before menopause and it lasts anywhere from 5 – 10 years. Menopause is defined as the absence of a menstrual cycle for one year. The average age for a woman to reach Menopause is 51 but ranges anywhere from 45 to 55 years old.

My symptoms seem to ebb and flow, which I expect for now. I have also made lifestyle changes to support myself with both PCOS and Perimenopause. I’ve learned that diet and exercise are critical in hormone balance. I’ll be sharing more about the lifestyle changes I’ve made here and in our community. Come on over and join us!

Resources:

Menopause. MedlinePlus. https://medlineplus.gov/menopause.html.

Perimenopausal Bleeding and Bleeding After Menopause. American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. http://www.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/Perimenopausal-Bleeding-and-Bleeding-After-Menopause.