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Adoption Process: The Home Study

July 24, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

One of the first steps in the adoption process or foster qualification is a home study. I still remember hearing about it when we began. I didn’t know exactly what to expect and it was a little scary as my imagination ran wild with scenarios in which we didn’t qualify. My initial impression was that a social worker was going to come in, talk to us, look at our home and decide if we were worthy of adopting. Nothing like feeling totally out of control on that one!

Why is the home study a necessary part of the adoption process?

I get it. I mean they need to know that they are placing children in a stable and safe home. Still, it seemed unfair given that parents who get pregnant do not undergo this scrutiny. Having now been through the process, I feel like everyone should experience some version of it with their first.

So let me demystify this by going through a couple of misconceptions:

1. The social worker is judging our fitness as parents.

Well, yes and no. The social worker’s job is to ensure that parents are mentally sound, financially, stable, healthy, and prepared to have a child in their home. They are actually your partner in preparing for this major life event of becoming parents. There may be areas that you will need to address before being approved.

2. If we have serious issues in our family, e.g. relatives with addiction, medical or psychological illnesses, we may be disqualified.

No, not necessarily. Again, as I said above, this is a look at your coping skills. How have you handled these issues within your family? Do you get help when you need it (thereby modeling this life skill for your child)? Do you set appropriate and healthy boundaries? Especially in the case of foster care, this part of the adoption process is critical to ensure that children are not going from one unstable situation to another.

3. We don’t have a lot of money so we might not qualify.

Again, yes and no. The social worker will help you to look at your finances and make a decision as to whether you can realistically afford to bring a child into your home. Again, if you have a plan and demonstrate that, this is what matters.

What is the home study process?

There are a few parts to the home study process. The one that can seem most scary for many are the visits from the social worker. In addition to these interviews, you may also be required to take a certain number of hours of parenting classes or read a certain number of books. The requirements do differ by state. You can find out more about that here.

Our experience

I will share our experience 3 years ago in Colorado. Our home study consisted of 4 visits by a social worker. Prior to the first visit, we were sent a packet with extensive history questions to answer. It included health history, financial documentation, parenting style, relationship questions. With each visit, the social worker discussed different aspects of this paperwork with us. She also did a home inspection looking for safety issues like smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, water temp, storage of medications and chemicals. Just like with every other aspect of the home study, she gave us feedback on what to improve and checked in with us on her next visit. She had conversations with each member of the household individually, and most of the time, together. While professional, she was kind and supportive.

Once we were actually in the process, the fear was gone. It was the anticipation and the unknown which had my imagination running wild and creating the fear. But isn’t that true of most anything in life?

In the end, we really loved our social worker and appreciated the process. It made us more prepared as parents. When you are considering fostering or adopting, know that though the adoption process may feel daunting at times, it is there to support you and the children in the system.

If you’d like to read more or join our community, come on over and introduce yourself!

Home Study Requirements by State:

https://adoptionnetwork.com/homestudy-requirements-by-state

Having a Baby at 40: What’s the difference?

July 24, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

So what’s it like having a baby at 40? Pretty much the same as having a baby at any other age. Well, sort of.

Having a baby at 40 – the potential downside:

1. If you are pregnant, you are Advanced Maternal Age.

You are most definitely considered advanced maternal age, or even a geriatric pregnancy. Ouch! (Nothing like making a new mom-to-be feel like a grandma instead.)

What does this really mean? It means that your doctor is going to watch you closely, especially at the end of your pregnancy. It is important because there are diseases that may have been dormant and can manifest when the body is under the stress of pregnancy. There is also a higher risk of genetic issues with baby, birth defects and birth complications. (I am a case-in-point but we’ll talk about that another time.) There will be lots of ultrasounds and stress tests (like way more than any mom under 35 with a normal pregnancy). Some doctors will also automatically refer to you as “high risk” while others are more comfortable as long as your pregnancy is otherwise going fine.

2. Growing Apart

I’m not talking about your spouse or partner here so much as maybe your friends. Many of our friends had been childless either by choice, default, or infertility. The rest had teenagers or even college age children. By then they were ready to be empty nesters. I am pretty certain that there were those in both camps who thought that we were nuts for starting a family when we did. My experience was that they became more distant or dropped out of our lives altogether after the baby came home. This makes some sense because aren’t relationships really based on shared interests? Now we were going in very different directions.

3. Tired, oh.so.tired…

Let’s face it, energy levels drop as we get older. It’s a natural thing as our bodies age and hormones shift. The sleep deprivation of a normal newborn, let alone a colicky one, is torture. Self-care is pretty much mandatory for older parents to keep up with their new little ones.

4. Retirement, what retirement?

If you are bringing home your first baby either through adoption or pregnancy, chances are you’ve spent some money to get there. In an age where income is not keeping up with inflation, this can be a real issue for future retirement.

Having a baby at 40 – the potential upside:

1. Financial Stability

Likely by now you’ve been working for years. You may have put some money away so you are more prepared for the cost associated with having a family. If this is you, rock on!

2. Emotional Maturity

This is a big one really. I mean our maturity level in our 40s versus our 20s? Hands down, 40s win. We’ve learned a lot at this point in our lives about what really matters and we’ve waited for this moment. Hopefully we are able to savor the time that much more and soak it all in as they grow all too fast.

3. Relationship Stability

If this is a couple becoming first-time parents, chances are the relationship is more stable as the partners are more mature. Typically they are better at handling conflict which means a more peaceful home. This gives the child a more stable environment overall.

4. Gratitude

We all know how important gratitude is in general. It is especially powerful here. Parents who’ve waited until their forties to start a family have likely been through infertility treatment or adoption. They may have experienced miscarriage or neonatal loss. Many of these babies are “rainbow babies”, aptly named for the beauty they bring after a loss, much like the rainbow after a storm. Parents are grateful and a child senses this. The parents may also therefore be more attuned and appreciative of all of the little things. I know that for me personally, this translates into my love of photography. The moments pass so quickly and I just want to capture these precious days while I can.

If you became a first-time parent at 40+, I’d love to hear your experience. Come on over, join the community, and grab a cup of coffee or tea and chat!

Mom Photos: 3 Reasons to Get in the Picture

July 19, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

Mom photos are not really high on my list. I love taking pictures of my children. They are cute and change in the blink of an eye. I am generally behind the camera in my happy place/comfort zone.

My kids try, but I am still faster than they are at dodging a camera pointed at me. I mean, if anyone gets it, I do. My body is not what it used to be. I am 20 pounds heavier with wrinkles and gray hairs. Daily showers have become a luxury. My braces came off pretty recently but I’m still stylin’ with a retainer. I spend most of my time in clothing that probably isn’t fit to be seen in public. (Though honestly I do go out frequently in said clothes.) With all of this going on, who want’s to be photographed? Why get in the picture when I am a hot mess?

Here are 3 reasons why we need mom photos:

1. Your kids want to see you in the picture!

My daughter illustrated this beautifully for me one day when we were out to lunch. She’s only 2 and I took a quick shot of her across the table from me as a memento of our girls’ day out. When I showed it to her she was smiling until she saw it. Her words were, “Where’s mommy?” It took me by surprise. I wasn’t looking great that day but I wasn’t looking awful either. After flipping the camera around on my phone, I squeezed in beside her for a selfie. I got a great big smile from that one, so mom photo for the win!

2. No one else notices your flaws.

You may not believe me on this one, but really, they don’t. We are all more critical of ourselves than others. I cannot tell you how many times that I’ve seen a photo of myself and gone, “Ugh. Why do I take such awful pictures?” Only to have someone compliment the same photo and tell me how photogenic I am. They don’t notice those extra pounds, lines, grays or braces at all. Now the real beauty will be when I can do the same. Listen, I am not perfect here, just aware of my flaws both physical and mental!

3. One day photos will be all that your children have left.

Alright, I don’t mean to be morbid here, but it’s true. We live. We die. These are facts. Our children will cherish every photo of us like it is gold when we are gone. I realized one day in looking at photos from my family and childhood, most of the photos of my mom are at the kitchen sink. How perfect is that? I know that I spend half of my time there too so they are certainly real! I don’t notice much about her appearance other than that. She just looks like my mom and I am grateful for every stinking one of those mom photos, especially the last one taken of us together.

Mom photos are still not at the top of my list, but I do try to make an effort to slip out from behind the camera more often these days. I really have no excuse with the technology available to me, e.g. cell phones, digital cameras, tripods and selfie sticks. If you’re still hiding out behind the camera, check out this post for some posing positions. Get in the picture. Your kids will thank you. Come on over and post your mom pic in the Mommy Later community. We’d love to see you there!

Our Journey: Pregnant at 40 with PCOS

July 8, 2017 By Michelle McMullen

Getting pregnant seems so easy, right? Many couples try hard to avoid it and still end up with unplanned pregnancies. And then, there are those of us who struggle with infertility. There are so many infertility diagnoses out there, including the dreaded “unexplained infertility”(the catch-all diagnosis). We could be here forever discussing them all. I will stick with what I know (and have), PCOS (a.k.a. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and a uterine septum.

PCOS Infertility

This topic will be covered more in-depth in future posts, so for the purposes of this post, I will keep it simple. Women with polycystic ovaries have cysts covering their ovaries. Some months they may ovulate, and others not. This endocrine disorder causes a host of various metabolic & health issues. PCOS infertility is just one of them. Many women with this disease can actually be more fertile when they are older and find themselves pregnant (ahem, case in point). There is no cure for PCOS, however it is managed with diet, exercise, and for some, either herbal supplements or medications.

Uterine Septum

Basically, when a woman’s uterus forms during her own fetal development, it starts as two tubes that fuse. For some of us, there is a piece of tissue in the middle of the uterus that never dissolves as it should. If you looked at my uterus from the outside, it would look normal. On the inside, there was a piece of tissue hanging down. This tissue does not have the rich blood lining that the rest of the uterus has and that an embryo requires for implantation and survival. This puts women with septums at higher risk for early miscarriages. Fortunately, there is a surgical procedure to remove this extra piece of tissue. Hooray for one easy fix!

Infertility Treatments

I’d been aware of these diagnoses since my late 20s while in my first marriage, and I’d had one surgery for the septum. Fast forward almost 10 years. I was 37 and my husband and I were actively trying to conceive. I started with my regular OB/GYN who told me that he’d seen many patients with PCOS conceive easily with just Clomid. After a few unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, I began seeking an infertility specialist. I wasn’t getting pregnant, nor was I getting any younger. Well, good thing that I did! Lo and behold, there was some residual uterine septum, so my new doctor started by surgically removing it. At the time I was also doing acupuncture and eating gluten free. Then began our series of IUIs…

Adoption

Again, I will go with the short version for now, but after 3 failed IUIs, we made the decision to move on to adoption. In order to do that, we had to stop all fertility treatments and my doctor had to sign papers affirming that we had done so. This was a requirement of the adoption home study. I did however continue acupuncture for hormone balancing as well as eating gluten free. Two weeks after our first home study visit, SURPRISE! For the first time ever, I was pregnant. We were over the moon. We called our adoption team with our decision to hold on the adoption. But alas, it was not to be. The baby had no heartbeat. We were devastated and heartbroken, but our clocks were ticking. I was now 39 and my husband was 48 so we took a month off then resumed the adoption process.

Finally Pregnant!

Two weeks after completing the 4th and final home study visit, my cycle was late again. I had another positive pregnancy test. Needless to say, we were a little more careful in allowing ourselves to feel any kind of excitement this time. Thankfully, that baby is now a happy, healthy 5 year-old boy!

So what was the secret to our polycystic ovaries pregnancy? More to come on that in my upcoming series with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and my acupuncturist!

Like what you’ve read and want more? Come on over and join the Community