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How do we decide between infertility treatment and adoption?

There are many alternative ways to grow a family. Some couples consider adoption as a first line choice. However, the majority undergo infertility treatment. If these treatments are unsuccessful, couples are then faced with the decision to pursue donors, gestational carriers, etc. Every situation is unique and there is no right or wrong answer here. It is just like parenting. We all have to make the best choice for our family. We walked this path, and based on our experience, here are some things take into consideration:

1. Are you emotionally prepared?

Infertility treatments are known for being an emotional roller coaster ride. There are high doses of hormones. The woman’s body may or may not respond appropriately so the planned cycle can change at any time. There may be miscarriages along the way or even infant loss. There are just so many variables. I found the entire process simply exhausting on all levels.

On the surface, adoption might seem easier. The hormones are subtracted from the equation. For me, this did not simplify things. First, I needed to let go of any attachment to being pregnant. Then, we both had to accept that we would not be genetically linked to our child. This may be easier said than done. After that we had to navigate the complicated waters of the process itself with the possibility of a failed adoption. This was no easy task. The roller coaster of adoption often parallels that of infertility and pregnancy in many ways. And lastly, if it is an open adoption, there is the relationship with the birth parent(s) to consider. I will write more about these last two statements in another post.

2. Are you financially prepared?

Infertility treatments can be very costly with no guarantee of success. However, some couples have insurance coverage for at least a portion of the cost. We did not, so we moved on to adoption.

Adoption has a huge range of cost. It varies depending on the type of adoption. With foster-to-adopt, there may be state aide. While with domestic/international newborn adoption, the cost usually starts around $25,000 and increases from there. This does not take into account money lost if there is a failed adoption. If an adoptive parent is fortunate enough to work for a company that subsidizes these expenses, they are truly blessed. Most couples that I know have used grants, loans, GoFundMe pages, fundraisers, and second mortgages to finance their adoptions.

3. Which choice is more ethical?

OK, this may sound like a strange thing to take into consideration. It’s not. Certain religions have real difficulty with what happens to the remaining frozen embryos after IVF. This can be a real deal breaker for some.

On the flip side, there are also those who believe that adoption is unnatural and the permanent emotional scars/wounds to the child make it an unethical choice.

4. How does your family feel?

Again, it would seem that this is a strange thing to consider when trying to grow one’s own family. Infertility treatment is likely acceptable to most families until possibly IVF or a donor/gestational carrier is brought into the picture.

Adoption, especially open adoption, can be more challenging for friends & family members both to accept as well as understand. We found that certain people still believed in the “secret” of adoption. Meaning that back in the day, adoptions were usually kept secret from the adoptee and there was likely no further contact with the birth parent(s). Now we know that research shows that open adoption is the best for the child. This can be difficult for others to support as the relationships involved can be complicated and difficult for them to understand.

These are a few of the issues that we considered while weighing our options for growing our family. If you’d like to learn more, come on over and join the Mommy Later community!

Getting pregnant seems so easy, right? Many couples try hard to avoid it and still end up with unplanned pregnancies. And then, there are those of us who struggle with infertility. There are so many infertility diagnoses out there, including the dreaded “unexplained infertility”(the catch-all diagnosis). We could be here forever discussing them all. I will stick with what I know (and have), PCOS (a.k.a. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and a uterine septum.

PCOS Infertility

This topic will be covered more in-depth in future posts, so for the purposes of this post, I will keep it simple. Women with polycystic ovaries have cysts covering their ovaries. Some months they may ovulate, and others not. This endocrine disorder causes a host of various metabolic & health issues. PCOS infertility is just one of them. Many women with this disease can actually be more fertile when they are older and find themselves pregnant (ahem, case in point). There is no cure for PCOS, however it is managed with diet, exercise, and for some, either herbal supplements or medications.

Uterine Septum

Basically, when a woman’s uterus forms during her own fetal development, it starts as two tubes that fuse. For some of us, there is a piece of tissue in the middle of the uterus that never dissolves as it should. If you looked at my uterus from the outside, it would look normal. On the inside, there was a piece of tissue hanging down. This tissue does not have the rich blood lining that the rest of the uterus has and that an embryo requires for implantation and survival. This puts women with septums at higher risk for early miscarriages. Fortunately, there is a surgical procedure to remove this extra piece of tissue. Hooray for one easy fix!

Infertility Treatments

I’d been aware of these diagnoses since my late 20s while in my first marriage, and I’d had one surgery for the septum. Fast forward almost 10 years. I was 37 and my husband and I were actively trying to conceive. I started with my regular OB/GYN who told me that he’d seen many patients with PCOS conceive easily with just Clomid. After a few unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, I began seeking an infertility specialist. I wasn’t getting pregnant, nor was I getting any younger. Well, good thing that I did! Lo and behold, there was some residual uterine septum, so my new doctor started by surgically removing it. At the time I was also doing acupuncture and eating gluten free. Then began our series of IUIs…

Adoption

Again, I will go with the short version for now, but after 3 failed IUIs, we made the decision to move on to adoption. In order to do that, we had to stop all fertility treatments and my doctor had to sign papers affirming that we had done so. This was a requirement of the adoption home study. I did however continue acupuncture for hormone balancing as well as eating gluten free. Two weeks after our first home study visit, SURPRISE! For the first time ever, I was pregnant. We were over the moon. We called our adoption team with our decision to hold on the adoption. But alas, it was not to be. The baby had no heartbeat. We were devastated and heartbroken, but our clocks were ticking. I was now 39 and my husband was 48 so we took a month off then resumed the adoption process.

Finally Pregnant!

Two weeks after completing the 4th and final home study visit, my cycle was late again. I had another positive pregnancy test. Needless to say, we were a little more careful in allowing ourselves to feel any kind of excitement this time. Thankfully, that baby is now a happy, healthy 5 year-old boy!

So what was the secret to our polycystic ovaries pregnancy? More to come on that in my upcoming series with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and my acupuncturist!

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Adoption vs. Infertility Treatments: 4 Things to Consider