Adoption Archives - Mommy Later

One of the first steps in the adoption process or foster qualification is a home study. I still remember hearing about it when we began. I didn’t know exactly what to expect and it was a little scary as my imagination ran wild with scenarios in which we didn’t qualify. My initial impression was that a social worker was going to come in, talk to us, look at our home and decide if we were worthy of adopting. Nothing like feeling totally out of control on that one!

Why is the home study a necessary part of the adoption process?

I get it. I mean they need to know that they are placing children in a stable and safe home. Still, it seemed unfair given that parents who get pregnant do not undergo this scrutiny. Having now been through the process, I feel like everyone should experience some version of it with their first.

So let me demystify this by going through a couple of misconceptions:

1. The social worker is judging our fitness as parents.

Well, yes and no. The social worker’s job is to ensure that parents are mentally sound, financially, stable, healthy, and prepared to have a child in their home. They are actually your partner in preparing for this major life event of becoming parents. There may be areas that you will need to address before being approved.

2. If we have serious issues in our family, e.g. relatives with addiction, medical or psychological illnesses, we may be disqualified.

No, not necessarily. Again, as I said above, this is a look at your coping skills. How have you handled these issues within your family? Do you get help when you need it (thereby modeling this life skill for your child)? Do you set appropriate and healthy boundaries? Especially in the case of foster care, this part of the adoption process is critical to ensure that children are not going from one unstable situation to another.

3. We don’t have a lot of money so we might not qualify.

Again, yes and no. The social worker will help you to look at your finances and make a decision as to whether you can realistically afford to bring a child into your home. Again, if you have a plan and demonstrate that, this is what matters.

What is the home study process?

There are a few parts to the home study process. The one that can seem most scary for many are the visits from the social worker. In addition to these interviews, you may also be required to take a certain number of hours of parenting classes or read a certain number of books. The requirements do differ by state. You can find out more about that here.

Our experience

I will share our experience 3 years ago in Colorado. Our home study consisted of 4 visits by a social worker. Prior to the first visit, we were sent a packet with extensive history questions to answer. It included health history, financial documentation, parenting style, relationship questions. With each visit, the social worker discussed different aspects of this paperwork with us. She also did a home inspection looking for safety issues like smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, water temp, storage of medications and chemicals. Just like with every other aspect of the home study, she gave us feedback on what to improve and checked in with us on her next visit. She had conversations with each member of the household individually, and most of the time, together. While professional, she was kind and supportive.

Once we were actually in the process, the fear was gone. It was the anticipation and the unknown which had my imagination running wild and creating the fear. But isn’t that true of most anything in life?

In the end, we really loved our social worker and appreciated the process. It made us more prepared as parents. When you are considering fostering or adopting, know that though the adoption process may feel daunting at times, it is there to support you and the children in the system.

If you’d like to read more or join our community, come on over and introduce yourself!

Home Study Requirements by State:

https://adoptionnetwork.com/homestudy-requirements-by-state

How do we decide between infertility treatment and adoption?

There are many alternative ways to grow a family. Some couples consider adoption as a first line choice. However, the majority undergo infertility treatment. If these treatments are unsuccessful, couples are then faced with the decision to pursue donors, gestational carriers, etc. Every situation is unique and there is no right or wrong answer here. It is just like parenting. We all have to make the best choice for our family. We walked this path, and based on our experience, here are some things take into consideration:

1. Are you emotionally prepared?

Infertility treatments are known for being an emotional roller coaster ride. There are high doses of hormones. The woman’s body may or may not respond appropriately so the planned cycle can change at any time. There may be miscarriages along the way or even infant loss. There are just so many variables. I found the entire process simply exhausting on all levels.

On the surface, adoption might seem easier. The hormones are subtracted from the equation. For me, this did not simplify things. First, I needed to let go of any attachment to being pregnant. Then, we both had to accept that we would not be genetically linked to our child. This may be easier said than done. After that we had to navigate the complicated waters of the process itself with the possibility of a failed adoption. This was no easy task. The roller coaster of adoption often parallels that of infertility and pregnancy in many ways. And lastly, if it is an open adoption, there is the relationship with the birth parent(s) to consider. I will write more about these last two statements in another post.

2. Are you financially prepared?

Infertility treatments can be very costly with no guarantee of success. However, some couples have insurance coverage for at least a portion of the cost. We did not, so we moved on to adoption.

Adoption has a huge range of cost. It varies depending on the type of adoption. With foster-to-adopt, there may be state aide. While with domestic/international newborn adoption, the cost usually starts around $25,000 and increases from there. This does not take into account money lost if there is a failed adoption. If an adoptive parent is fortunate enough to work for a company that subsidizes these expenses, they are truly blessed. Most couples that I know have used grants, loans, GoFundMe pages, fundraisers, and second mortgages to finance their adoptions.

3. Which choice is more ethical?

OK, this may sound like a strange thing to take into consideration. It’s not. Certain religions have real difficulty with what happens to the remaining frozen embryos after IVF. This can be a real deal breaker for some.

On the flip side, there are also those who believe that adoption is unnatural and the permanent emotional scars/wounds to the child make it an unethical choice.

4. How does your family feel?

Again, it would seem that this is a strange thing to consider when trying to grow one’s own family. Infertility treatment is likely acceptable to most families until possibly IVF or a donor/gestational carrier is brought into the picture.

Adoption, especially open adoption, can be more challenging for friends & family members both to accept as well as understand. We found that certain people still believed in the “secret” of adoption. Meaning that back in the day, adoptions were usually kept secret from the adoptee and there was likely no further contact with the birth parent(s). Now we know that research shows that open adoption is the best for the child. This can be difficult for others to support as the relationships involved can be complicated and difficult for them to understand.

These are a few of the issues that we considered while weighing our options for growing our family. If you’d like to learn more, come on over and join the Mommy Later community!